Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Little Over Here...Little Over There...

I've been shunning pictures, lately. Do you know it's been nearly a year since I've posted pictures here? It's true. I have quite the can't be arsed attitude toward them (Canadian translation: can't be bothered). I'm on a bit of a, "I'd rather take snapshots in my head and be present in each moment rather than looking at everything through a lens as I always do," kick. So I purposely leave the camera at home, or take it out for just an hour instead of ten. But sooner or later I'll process what I've got from the last few months and post them. Eventually.

I have also discovered a genius. Yep. Paulo Coelho is a brilliant writer, and a brilliant person, which is more important anyway. Look how fast he turns out books? It's crazy. And with him it's not quantity over quality, either, it's just that he apparently always knows exactly what to say.

I've also discovered The Cinematics and they're awesome.

What else?

I spent Christmas in Tibshelf with my mate Dan and his family. Good times were had, much food was eaten, and I could say more about it but I don't really want to right now.

I really am keeping secrets lately. Apparently.

Ummm, what else?

Well, I'm off work until the 4th of January. Yay paid time off! I am very lucky.
I haven't left my house for three days and I find that endlessly amusing. I wonder how long I can go without going (even more) crazy.
As of today one of my debts is totally paid off, woooo!
Oh, and I'm learning how to astral project.
Yes, really.

Friday, December 25, 2009

"We need to learn how to walk with one foot in the fairy tale and the other in the abyss."

"What is a personal calling? It is a blessing; it is your path here on Earth. Whenever we do something that fills us with enthusiasm, we are following our legend. However, we don’t all have the courage to confront our own dream. Why?

There are four obstacles. First, we are told from childhood onwards that everything we want to do is impossible. We grow up with this idea, and as the years accumulate, so too do the layers of prejudice, fear and guilt. There comes a time when our personal calling is so deeply buried in our soul as to be invisible. But it’s still there.

If we have the courage to disinter our dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: love. We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that love is just a further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward, and that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.

Once we have accepted that love is a stimulus, we come up against the third obstacle: fear of the defeats we will meet on the path. We who fight for our dream suffer far more when it doesn’t work out, because we cannot fall back on the old excuse, “Oh, well, I didn’t really want it anyway.” We do want it and know that we have staked everything on it and that the path of the personal calling is no easier than any other path except that our whole heart is in this journey. Then we warriors of light must be prepared to have patience in difficult times and to know that the Universe is conspiring in our favour, even though we may not understand how.

I ask myself: are defeats necessary? Well, necessary or not, they happen. When we fist begin fighting for our dream, we have no experience and make many mistakes. The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.

So, why is it so important to live our personal calling if we are only going to suffer more than other people? Because once we have overcome the defeats—and we always do—we are filled with a greater sense of euphoria and confidence. In the silence of our hearts, we know that we are proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life. Each day, each hour, is part of the good fight. We start to live with enthusiasm and pleasure. Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our soul, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.

Having disinterred our dream, having used the power of love to nurture it and spent many years living with the scars, we suddenly notice that what we always wanted is there, waiting for us, perhaps the very next day. Then comes the fourth obstacle: the fear of realizing the dream for which we have been fighting all our lives.

Oscar Wilde said, “Each man kills the thing he loves.” And it’s true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. I have known a lot of people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp, went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal when it was only a step away.

This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument, you help the soul of the world, and you understand why you are here." - Paulo Coelho

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Returning to the Centre

I really need to learn how to write without being depressed.
Ten days and no words is unacceptable to me.

So, what have I been up to?

Well, there's work, of course. And there's the debt repayment quest I'm on--which is going well, and of which I am immensely proud. There is the to do list, which is growing shorter. (Can something grow shorter?) And there are baths. There are lots of baths. And the reading of novels and blogs. And yoga. Lots of yoga. There is meditation and napping and the recharging of batteries. There is much needed time off from routine. There have been long weekends and parties and live music played by friends. There have been new sweaters and walks to town and slowly, slowly (finally) getting my room set up the way I want it. There have been chats with friends from home; some still there, some scatttered in other far-flung corners of the world. There have been copious amounts of pictures taken that will eventually be processed and posted. There have been gifts of every possible kind. There has been a lot of s-l-o-w-i-n-g d-o-w-n.

Trips are being planned and will eventually be slowly saved for. Budgets are being made. There is a looking inward, that is typical of this time of year. It's almost Solstice and while I don't think I can manage a bonfire, I can definitely manage good food and good wine and maybe a gathering of friends.

They say we might get some snow again this winter. I hope they're right.

Next Thursday we're calling it a half day at work and all going out to celebrate, as you do at this time of year. Me and the six of them, always one in the middle of a group of guys, I wonder why it is that always happens. I'm grateful for the fact that they exist.

*****
Lately I've been doing soul-work, as you may have guessed. Cultivating abundance, patience, releasing requirements on others, raising my vibrational level, being more conscious and aware.

A journey towards Truth a little less forgotten.

*****
I found this wisdom today:

"Indeed, the body complex as a whole is greatly misunderstood due to the post-veiling assumption that the physical manifestation called the body is subject only to physical stimuli. This is emphatically not so."

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Graces

A bubble bath, and a book, and a laptop playing music, and scalding water spiked with sea salt and tea tree oil, and a window open, making way for cool December air, and red wine in a wine glass, instead of a cup.

Sweaters! All the sweaters!

Mittens and hats and scarves made out of wool.

Leggings. Mmmm.
And knee socks.

£7.99 coats.
£6.00 dresses.

Beaded necklaces.
And chandelier earrings.

Black mascara.

Long nails.
And not peeling them.

Novels.

Sitting on the floor of the shower.

Cooking.
With real food.
Organic, whole foods.
And then eating twice the amount that I need to feel full, really quickly.

Jack and Coke.
Always Jack and Coke.

Corkscrews.
Because they're fun to use.

My tribe of laaaaadies. <3

My boys here in Guildford.

Skype chats.
Weekly phone calls.
And daily emails.
Catching up with all my loves.

Seeing my breath in the air.

Frost on the ground in England.
It's a big event.

Blogs written by incredible women scattered around the world.

Lots of long weekends!
A day to wander around London.
And see everything though a camera lens.
A party with the boys.
And smoke half of Danny's tobacco and burn my lungs in the quarterly ritual.
A weekend in Newcastle to see Kyle.
And company for the train trip back.
A plan to tear up G-Town with my six lovely Freeads darlings.
And downing tequila shots with my boss.
A family Christmas in Derby with Dan.
And eating traditional English Christmas food.
A day trip to Paris with Stu.
And playing tour guide and interpreter in exchange for a train ticket.
A New Year's Eve in Guildford.
And not having any plans.
A trip to St. Albans alone for my birthday.
And looking forward to it already.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Exploding Like Spiders

"You've gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight."

Have you seen the film, "Yes Man"? Or maybe read the book it's based on? I saw it last spring with my friend Kyle. It's about a guy who has to say "yes" to everything. Why does he have to do that? Well, lets just say he's on one of those journeys to "find himself". The film is filled with needless platitudes and romanticism, but if you can wade through the cheese, the ultimate point is that too often we stop saying "yes" to life.

How many kids do you know who's first (or second or fifth) word is "no"? Stop and think about that for a second, think about how incredibly sad that is. Why do they say no? Because it's what they hear. Toddlers are wonderful mimics, they learn by copying and assimilating; if they're saying nothing but no, there's a very clear reason for why that is.

Forget the no for a second, why not say yes? You don't have to agree to everything, like the guy from "Yes Man", but why not agree to more? Why not say yes to life?

In this post I talked about misery.

"How many ways can you rip a life apart? And why is it that I so enjoy purposely breaking so that I can put myself back together? It’s egoism to the extreme and it’s sickening."

For some reason that's always been more compelling to me, and I'm still not entirely sure why.

"And why the hell is it that I self-identify most with tragic beauty? Could I be any more film noire if I tried?"

I am slowly, ever so slowly, starting to break out of that now. That served me well in the past, but now it's more stiffling than it is helpful.

"She has an air of something around her, something that she both wraps around herself and finds herself enveloped in. It suffocates her and she claws to get out but as soon as she peaks out over the haze she remembers how much more comfortable it is to be choking when you’re choking on something you understand."

It is time for me to shed that skin; to embrace the idea that I am worthy of happiness, because even though:

"I've never been afraid to feel pain, but happiness? True happiness? My god, that scares me more than anything else in the world."

That doesn't mean anything more than I decide it does.

I am recently reminded of this brilliance by none other than the Prince of the Avant Garde himself (hehe, check out my post-modern cliché).

Jack Kerouac writes:

“The only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved, desirous of everything at
the same time, the ones who never yawn or
say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn,
burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles
exploding like spiders across the stars.”

Hello Boho

I've been loving Chronicles of Me and Boho Girl, lately. Both are written by the beautiful and amazingly talented Denise Andrade.

Her photography makes me all swoony.
Her style is totally after my own heart.
And she has dreads. *covet*